Motorbiking

I was ready, camel coloured dress, matching bag, stilettos and carefully lacquered hair that no amount of wind could budge ... it was the 80's.
I was being picked up at 7.30pm and it was the first date.
When the door knocked I opened it to find my date dressed from head to toe in black leather, umm bold dresser I thought .... but then I saw the helmet.

"You've got a bike."

"Yeah."

That was all that was said and I followed him down the path to a Yamaha, I think he called it.
On the back of the seat I saw another helmet, it was a full face one with red and orange flames painted on the side, he handed it to me.

"It's my old one."

I knew straight away that it was going to be too small, I'd already gauged that my dates head was only averagely sized at best, but I showed willing and gave it a shot.
I placed it ambitiously on the top of my head and applied a little pressure.
To my surprise there was some soft padding inside and there was some movement, it was looking promising until it reached my ears, then it was all over as far as I was concerned, but my date had other ideas.

"It just needs a push."


He held the top and started to do little jerking motions to try and get it on. I remember thinking ... if he thumps the top to get it on or mentions anything about the size of my head, I'm going back indoors, but he didn't, and I'll give him his due, he squashed it on good.

The price of getting the said helmet on was that my ample cheeks were now squashed firmly together fashioning my mouth into a pair of fish lips that I could do nothing about.
In an attempt to distract him from noticing I feigned a shy stoop of the head and said.

"Let's go!"

He got on and I hitched my skirt up slightly and clambered on the back, held tight to his jacket and we were off. He took it slow and it was a lovely evening, and for a moment I must admit to feeling just a little wild and sexy astride the bike, even with the fish lips!
Not for long though, for he turned the corner and there stretching before us was a long straight road where he obviously thought it would be fun to 'show what the bike could do.'
He put his head down and took off.
I clutched at his jacket with the wind now full in my face.
Now I have a problem on windy days where everything on my face runs.
First off was my heavily mascara'd eyes that started streaming down my face, then my nose joined in ... all I could think was...

TISSUE TISSUE!

But as I was hanging on for dear life I just had to let the wind do its worst. When he finally slowed outside the pub, I didn't need a mirror to know what the damage was.
I just stood there with black panda eyes, a very dodgy nose area, squashed cheeks and fish lips poking out of the flame helmet.
I could see by his expression that he'd noticed 'something', so I just said by way of an explanation.

"It was the wind."

Even I was thinking ... that must have been some bloody wind!

Still my ordeal wasn't over.
It was now time for the removal of the helmet. I could almost see him rubbing his hands together in a 'how we gonna do this' sort of manner as he grabbed it and started to pull.
If he suggests putting his feet on my shoulders for better leverage, 'I'll die' I thought ... but again, I'll give him his due, he was good with his helmets and there was soon a popping sound and my head did come out.

Ironically the rest of the night went reasonably well, and thankfully we bumped into people we both knew and as one of them lived near me I said I'd get a lift back with them ... in their car!
I arrived home knowing that that was it,  I'd never see him again.
His loss, I reassured myself, it couldn't have gone anywhere with his tiny head anyway.
Well imagine my surprise when the very next day the phone rang.

"Hello."

"It's me ... I was wondering if you want to come out again tonight?"

I was shocked, he'd seen through the Alice Cooper eyes, the squashed cheeks, the fish lips and the snot!
Okay so I wasn't going to marry him, but if he could over look all these things, I could overlook his diminutive head for another date.

"Yeah ... okay."

"Great I'll pick you up at 7.30pm, don't worry about the helmet, I've asked around and Mark said I could borrow his."

"Uh ... what do you mea ..."

I didn't get a chance to finish.

"Yeah, that one should fit you ... his heads massive."